Green is NOT Collins!
by Akari Van Halen
Summary: Law & Order cross wRent. Ed goes through a very disturbing day...


Green is NOT Collins!  
By: Akari Van Halen  
Rating: PG-13

For all who don't know, I have no good sense. I am an insane person. Very insane. I will ruin your mind with very bad mental pictures. Ask my friends. And this is only my first fic! [sniffles] I have so many people to thank: my brain, who is a person in my mind, my—[music cue to leave begins] Wait! I didn't finish! I didn't even start! [Security drags Akari off imaginary stage] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: HA HA! You don't own the characters or the rights—wait. Neither do I. Darn.

..................................................................................  
  
It was Halloween, 2002. Ed had not seen his partner at all that morning and the lieutenant had not told him where he was. And she had been gone three hours. No one was there but him (**A**: ...thanks to the _great _casting job... DICK WOLF, YOU INTELLIGENT PERSON!)

_Something ain't right here_, Ed thought.

He headed downstairs to his car and went to Lennie's building. When he went inside, he noticed that Lennie's front door was open. Worried, Ed took out his gun and started walking through the apartment. He was headed towards the bathroom (**A**: ghastly place, I must say) when he heard noises coming from the bedroom. He opened the door, horrified at what he saw.

Lennie. Van Buren. In the nude. Doing it.

"AAAAAHHHH!!" he screamed. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING???"

"Ed, this isn't what it looks like," said the lieutenant.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL IT THEN? I CALL IT SICK! WRONG! AND YOU!" he screamed at Lennie. "COVER YOURSELF, MAN!"

"But it isn't—"Lennie started to say.

"DO WHAT I SAID!"

Just then, Anita fell off the bed, dragging Lennie with her, the cover falling off completely.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Ed screamed, running out of the apartment, as fast as he could, screaming all the way. He left his car behind and was running to the precinct when what looked like a male prostitute stopped him.

"You okay, honey?" she asked (though she sounded like a man). "It's me, Angel-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!" Ed screamed at him.

"But Tom—"

"I'm not Tom! I'm Detective Green!"

"Oh honey, you're so funny. I know you're Tom Collins, the love of my life."

"No I'm not. I'm a detective, see?" Ed took out and showed Angel his badge. "Detective Ed—"

"Tom, please don't play with me. This isn't funny anymore!"

"I'LL SHOW YOU FUNNY!"

Ed put his handcuffs around Angel's wrists.

"TOM!!!" Angel cried in ecstasy-filled angst. Don't you remember? My body provides a comfortable home for the Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome! As does yours! No playing rough!"

"For the LAST time, I'm NOT Tom, I'm not HIV positive, and I'm not even thinking about getting rough—especially with _you_. Come on." 

Ed put Angel in the back of his car and drove her—er, him, to the precinct.

"Please don't put me in jail. I know your partner."

"Yeah? What's my partner's name?"

"Lennie. We used condoms. We even found a new use for floor wax—"

"GAAAAH!!! BASTARD!! SHUT UP! SHUUUUT UUUUUUP!!!!!!"

Angel smiled. He knew that the thought of Lennie as a slut would tear anyone to pieces (even his insane fic writer!) When Ed arrived, he took Angel out of the car and took her inside. After placing her in the nearest holding cell, he sat down at his desk and tried to take out of his mind the activity he witnessed at Lennie's (AAAAHHH! THE EVIL!!) when Mike Logan showed up.

"Who's your friend, _Tom_?" he asked Ed.

"Forget what _it _said," Ed replied, looking directly at Angel in his cell. She blew him a raspberry.

"Where's Lennie?" Mike then asked.

"At home. The lieu's there with him."

"They're at it again, huh?"

"They did that BEFORE???"

"Yeah. One day, when I came for a visit, I saw that no one was there. Then I heard noises. And there they were, plain as day, in the precinct. I think they were near your desk."

"AAAAHHH!" Ed screamed, jumping up from his chair in horror.

"Just kidding," said Mike. Ed let out a battle cry and began to beat the crap out of him. In satisfaction of Ed being on top of him, Mike let out a sigh and then he (**A**: I'm sorry, but I get to the floor wax and nowhere past that— but you should know what he does, so I won't have to tell you), then closed his eyes, and said to Ed the two worst words a hetero man could ever hear from another man.

"Kiss me."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Ed screamed, running out of the precinct. When he got to his apartment, he felt much safer.

Then the phone rang.

.....................................  
  
"Why me?" Ed asked himself as he slowly picked up the phone, desperately hoping it was a telemarketer, or someone who wasn't in love with him. "Hello?" he asked.

"HEY!!!" cried the voice on the other line. "It's me!"

"Me who?" Ed asked, now very uncomfortable.

"Tina. Tina Montoya. Remember? I had the 'scrambled brains' boyfriend?"

"YOU?! I TOLD YOU FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED TIMES! LEAVE ME ALONE! HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER ANYWAY? I DIDN'T PUT IT IN THE DIRECTORY!"

"Yeah...well...the thing about that was...uh..."

She hung up the phone. All of a sudden...

Ed sighed. "The door..."

He slowly walked toward the door. _Please, not this again..._ He suddenly jumped at the sound. A stereo began to play:

"Fluid,no,fluid,no,contact,yes,no contact,fire,fire,burn,burn,YES!

No,latex,rubber,rubber,fire,latex,rubber,latex,bummer,lover bummer—"

The stereo cut off. Ed took out his gun and opened the door. It was Angel, dressed in glorious drag.

"Live in my house and I'll be your shelter—"

Ed slammed the door. "HOW??? HOW DID YOU GET OUT???"

"Benny," Angel replied.

"You say that like I know who the HELL that is!"

Angel shrugged, mainly because he knew his insane fic writer did not want to take up so much unnecessary space to explain some yuppie scum (**A**: By the way, Angel is the only one in this whole fic that can interact with me because he is the sanest person in the whole story).

"A thousand kisses are all I ask!"

Ed, now really pissed, shot at the door.

"Missed me, baby-face!" Angel said. "This body's too baad for a bullet! I got it goin' on!"

"Aaaaaahhhhh!!! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! BAD MENTAL IMAGE!" Ed cried. "Please, just leave me alone. I've been through enough today. I saw old people doing it."

Angel cringed. "You poor thing."

"Could you—"

Angel nodded and left, one three-inch heel crossing another, like a model. _You'd have to be really drunk to take that home_, Ed thought (I'm not saying that Lennie was drinking; this is strictly Ed's opinion).

............................................ One year later  
  
Halloween, 2003. Anita walked over to the detectives, who were at their desks. She placed a candy bar on each desk: a Hershey bar for Ed and, ironically, a Sugar Daddy for Lennie.

"What do you two plan to do tonight?" she asked.

"I know what I'm doing," said Lennie, "or who."

He followed her into her office. Anita then peeked out the door.

"Would you like to join us, Ed?" she asked.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Ed screamed, fleeing the precinct.

"What's up with him?" Anita asked.

"Don't know, don't care," said Lennie, beginning to make out with her.  
  
The End—?  
Poor Tom—I mean, Ed.


End file.
